THE HONEYMOONERS ON FAMILY FEUD

By TriviaQueen2

Announcer: Its time to play The Family Feud. And here’s our host:

Richard Dawson.

RD: Thank you very much, everybody. Its great to be back, and tonite we have a special edition of the Feud featuring two families who are neighbors in the same apartment building. From Bensonhurst, Brooklyn: here are the Kramdens and the Nortons

(RD walks over to stage left)

RD: Hello, Ralph.

Ralph: Hello, Richard. May I say I have a feeling that I’m going to play tonight like I never did before.

RD: Well, just try to relax and remember it’s all in fun. Now who have you brought with you tonight?

Ralph: Well, first this is my lovely wife Alice.

Alice: Hello, Richard.

RD: Hiya, darlin’

Ralph: And next to her is her sister, Agnes. And that’s her husband, Stanley. And way down on the end over there, that’s Alice’s mother and……..WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT’S SHE DOIN’ HERE?

Alice’s Mother: Hello Ralph.

Alice: Ralph, you were the one that said you know, that we might be short of people if Uncle Leo didn’t make it down from Uktica cause of the snow. So I asked mom to stand by just in case we needed her.

Ralph: That’s right. I said we might be short of people, not BLABBERMOUTHS.

Alice: Ralph! You know how I feel about you calling her that. Now one more word and we’ll leave right now and you can play… alone.

Agnes and Stanley: YEAH!

RD: Well, I’m sorry Alice, but according to the rules of the game you must put up a team of at least 3 people or you forfeit right now.

Alice: Well, Ralph, what’s it gonna be?

Ralph: Oh, alright she can play but she gives one wrong answer and you’ll both be heading for the moon before the night is out!

Alice’s Mother: Thank you, Sonny.

Ralph: Heh heh heh…ya dirty……….

(RD walks over to stage right shaking his head)

RD: And here are the challengers, the Norton’s.

Norton: Hey there, Dickie boy. Slip me five so I know you’re alive.

RD: Who have you got with you tonight Ed?

Norton: Richard, I’d like you to meet my wife, Trixie. And on account of we really ain’t got no other family to speak of, we brought our maid Thelma who’s just like a family member to us. And next to her, we have our good friends and neighbors, the Manicottis.

RD: Are you all ready to win some BIG MONEY?

Ralph: At last I’m gonna get that pot of gold.

RD: Alright, then let’s play the Feud!

(Ralph and Norton are up first)

RD: We surveyed 100 people from our studio audience and got their response to the following:

Name a popular dance.

(Norton rings in first)

Norton: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………..

Thelma: Well go ahead and answer it!

Norton: Wait a minute, its right here in the back of my head……..

(Thelma comes out from behind the contestant stand and smacks Norton in the back of the head)

Thelma: Maybe this will help, you simp.

Trixie: Hey, don’t you call my Ed names!

Ralph: She’s just like a family member, huh?

RD: Thelma, get back to your position and Ed, you’re out of time. Ralph, name a popular dance.

Ralph: A mere bag of shells, Richard. The Peabody.

RD: Alright, show me Peabody!

(The board reveals 1 point)

RD: Alright, Ralph does your team want to play or pass?

Ralph: We’ll play, Richard.

Alice: Thanks for letting the rest of us in on the decision.

Ralph: I told you before, Alice. I’m runnin’ this whole thing!

RD: Alice…..plant one right here, darlin’

(RD points to his cheek. Alice kisses him, giggling)

Ralph: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!

RD: Name a popular dance, sweetheart.

Alice: Well, I don’t know much about dancing. It’s been so long since I was taken out.

Ralph: You’re gonna be taken out in an ambulance if you don’t hurry up with an answer!

Alice: I’m gonna say Foxtrot.

RD: Show me Foxtrot!

(The strike buzzer sounds)

RD: Oh. Sorry darlin’.

Ralph: I hope they know how to Foxtrot on the moon!

RD: Only your first strike. Agnes, name a popular dance.

Agnes: Oh, I know. The Hucklebuck.

Alice: GOOD ANSWER!

RD: Alright, show me the ever popular Hucklebuck.

(The board reveals 3 points)

Ralph: Well Alice, I must admit once in awhile someone in your family does show some sense.

Alice’s Mother: I wish it had been my Alice on the day you proposed to her!

Ralph: Ooooo, would I like to……

Alice: RALPH!

RD: Stanley, my man, give me a popular dance.

Stanley: Well, uh, Richard, I, uh. Let me see now…..

Ralph: Stanley, will you come on. The clock is ticking.

RD: That’s right, Stanley. I need an answer right now.

Stanley: Well, I don’t know the name of it but I believe I once saw Boris Karloff doing it on the Red Skelton show and I…….

(The strike buzzer sounds)

RD: Oh, I’m sorry Stanley. That’s your second strike.

Ralph: Stanley, you dope!

Agnes: That’s ok, honey. You’re doing your best.

Stanley: Thank you, darling one.

RD: Ok, Mom. It’s up to you. The top five answers still up there. You have 2 strikes. Nortons, get ready to steal.

Norton: We are ready, oh Richard.

Alice’s Mother: The Charleston.

Ralph: This is a plot. This whole family is plotting against me.

Alice’s Mother: You shut up.

RD: Ok, show me the Charleston.

(The strike buzzer sounds the third and final time)

Ralph: Bang…Zoom!

RD: Alright, Nortons, for a whopping 4 points, and the lead, can you come up with an answer that’s on the board?

Mrs. Manicotti: MAMBO MAMBO MAMBO MAMBO!

Norton: Alright, we’re gonna go with the Mambo.

RD: If it’s up there, the Nortons steal the 4 points. If not, the Kramdens keep the points. Show me the Mambo.

(The board reveals 8 points)

Mrs. Manicotti: MAMBO MAMBO MAMBO!

(Mrs. Manicotti starts doing the mambo around the stage and tries to get Richard Dawson to dance with her)

Mrs. Manicotti: But Mr. Dawson, it’s fun!

RD: I know darlin’ but we have a show to do right now. And your team’s leading with 12 points. So let’s start round 2. Alice, Trixie, come on up here.

Ralph: Remember, Alice. The life you save may be YOUR OWN.

RD: We surveyed 100 studio audience members and got the most popular responses to this question: Name a household chore that wives wish their husbands would help with.

(Trixie rings in)

Trixie: The laundry.

RD: Show me laundry.

(The board reveals laundry is the No. 1 answer for 20 points)

Trixie: We’re playing Richard.

Norton: And there’s MORE where that came from.

RD: Alright, Nortons have control of the board. Thelma, a household chore wives wish husbands would help out with. You married darlin’.

Thelma: No Richard. I’m an unclaimed treasure.

Mr. Manicotti: Ha ha ha. Disa treasure, somebody she shoulda bury longa time ago.

Thelma: Why you……

(Thelma gets Mr. Manicotti in a choke hold)

Thelma: Would you like me to quit now?

Mrs. Manicotti: Oh my goodness. Help, help!

(Mrs. Manicotti jumps on top of Thelma and wrestles her to the ground. Mr. Manicotti breaks free and runs out of the studio. Thelma chases after him with Mrs. Manicotti bringing up the rear. Richard Dawson is just staring into the camera with his mouth wide open in utter disbelief)

RD: Well, I uh never had anything happen quite like this on the Feud before and according to our rules the Nortons only have 2 team members left and must forfeit.

Norton: Sheeeeeeeeeeee.

Ralph: Ha, ha, ha. Better luck next time.

RD: Well be back with the Kramdens to play Fast Money for $10,000 right after this word from our sponser.

Ralph: Now look, Stanley, when you get up there…..

Alice: Ralph, I think it should be you and me that play Fast Money.

Ralph: Are you kidding? Stanley and I think alike. We’re both men and fellow lodge members. We’ll get all the number 1 answers.

Alice: But Ralph, don’t you see, that’s why you two shouldn’t play. You’ll both come up with the same answers and have to take up more time thinking of different answers.

Ralph: That is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. Now you’re not playing.

Alice: I am playing.

Ralph: YOU’RE NOT PLAYING.

Alice: I AM PLAYING.

Ralph: The only thing you’re gonna be playing is "Fly Me To The Moon".

Stanley: You know, Ralph, I think maybe you and Alice should play. I don’t wanna cause any trouble.

Alice: Now how could you cause any trouble, Stanley? Ralph is just being stubborn and unreasonable as usual.

Agnes: That’s right. It’s all your husband’s fault, Alice.

Ralph: NOW WAIT A MINUTE.

RD: Folks, we’re coming out of commercial in 10 seconds. Make up your minds NOW.

Ralph: Stanley, get up there!!!!

Alice: But, Ralph…….

Ralph: ALICE, WILL YOU SHUT UP!

(Ralph goes backstage. Stanley is center stage with Richard Dawson)

RD: We’re back for Fast Money. Stanley, you know how this works. You get 15 seconds on the clock to come up with the most popular responses to these 5 questions. Are you ready??

Stanley: OK, Richard.

RD: Give me 15 seconds on the clock. Time starts when I finish reading the first question. Name an occasion for which you buy flowers.

Stanley: Valentine’s Day.

RD: Something you buy in pairs.

Stanley: Shoes.

RD: A food that’s messy to eat.

Stanley: Pizza.

RD: The first thing you do when you come from work at night.

Stanley: Have dinner.

RD: A sport people can play alone.

Stanley: Golf.

RD: Alright. Stanley, turn around, let’s check those answers.

(Stanley has given all the number 1 answers and has 197 points)

RD: Ralph, come on out here. You have 20 seconds on the clock and need just 3 points for $10,000.

Ralph: Ha ha ha. It won’t be long now.

RD: Let’s remind everyone the fine answers Stanley gave…..Ralph, the clock starts when I finish reading the first question.

Ralph: Alice, get the bag.

RD: OK, here we go. Name an occasion for which you buy flowers.

Ralph: Valentine’s Day.

(The buzzer sounds)

Alice’s Mother: HA HA HA, A MATCH.

RD: Try again.

Ralph: Haminahaminahaminahamina.

RD: Ralph????

Ralph: Haminahaminahamina.

RD: Do you want to pass to the next question Ralph?

Ralph: Haminahaminahamina.

RD: Ralph????

(A voice comes booming from the back of the audience)

Uncle Leo: Ralph, Alice!!!! Its good to see ya. Am I too late to play?

(The buzzer sounds the end of the 20 seconds)

Alice’s Mother: You may be too late to play Leo, but you’re not too late to see my big, fat, loser son-in-law make a fool of himself.

RD: Oh, I am sorry Ralph. You know that’s the highest number of points any team ever got and then didn’t go on to get the $10,000.

(Ralph walks toward’s Alice’s mother)

Ralph: BLABBERMOUTH……. YOU…….. BLAAAAAAAABBERMOUTH!

(Ralph starts chasing Alice’s mother around the stage. The theme music starts. Mrs. Manicotti comes running in and grabs Richard Dawson)

Mrs. Manicotti: MAMBO MAMBO MAMBO! Mr. Dawson, you got to get the hip movement.

Ralph: BLABBERMOUTH…….BLABBERMOUTH!!

RD: If my wife is watching and when I get home she says "I told you so", I’m gonna belt her right in the mouth.

(The curtain comes down. The audience files out)

©2000 byTQ2Creations